she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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