I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
