Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Its about making memories worth repressing
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
