it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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