I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
