my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
