Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
