cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
