Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she looked like the before picture.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
