My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
