I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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