everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize