Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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