you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's blow job season.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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