Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
how drunk are you?
Several
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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