Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
