hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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