Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize