I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize