At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
