just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
