I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize