I'm sorry my penis didn't work
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
