Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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