trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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