Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
There's always time for handjobs
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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