im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Randomize
