no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
