i need an iv and a liver transplant
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
