Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i think i scared a bird with my dick
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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