I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Randomize