third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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