Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Is it because I queefed?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
