the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
