we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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