There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize