If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
