I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
