hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
