Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize