Dude my mom stole all your condoms
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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