Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
