Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
