Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize