I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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