In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
