I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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