I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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