I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
