What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
