I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I think I won the penis lottery.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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