If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
