I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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