It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
