You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
