you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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