She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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