I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
