): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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